Awake

I'm not one to normally complain about my life ok? My life is not perfect but it's not horrible either. I'm alive, I have a place to stay, clothes to wear, and food to eat, oh and to do any other things. But for some odd reason today I realized I honestly can't take it anymore. I'm sitting here and its 3:30 am, and I think back at my life of 21 years and realize I have really nothing to show for it. I'm struggling right now trying to get my ass into the army and neither one of my parents want to help me. My mother is in Alaska with her new boyfriend of the year living it up, My father is in Kentucky trying to pay off almost a 100 grand in child support and continues to stay with his alcoholic wife, but he supposedly loves her, yea right!!! I'm trying to leave for the military in June and neither one is very supportive. Friends have asked why do I hate my parents so much? Hate is a very strong word, and I don't hate my parents necessarily I just don't see why can't they help their only daughter out? and sitting here listening to Skillet (awesome band by the way) see I figured out why neither one will help me. If one of my parents help me then the other gets all pissy and it starts a whole other war with each other. See my parents split in 1997 and in all honesty whether they realize it or not, they use me as ammunition towards the other parent. In '97 I was what? 8 years old? Now that's fucked up. My mom would talk shit about my dad in front of me, and my dad would talk shit about my mother in front of me, this went on for years, finally as i started getting older I asked them to please stop, and it was done, until well my dad quit paying his child support payments. My mother, who I was living with, was constantly asking for information about my father cause she knew I was keeping in touch with him, and because I was consistently being hounded for it I finally broke. Then one morning my fathers girlfriend called my house saying that he was in jail, and it was all my fault, to a point yes it was, but I didn't know when my mother or if my mother was even going to call the cops or not. So of course I yelled at my mom, and asked why she did it, and it was simple "cause he wasn't paying child support" So on his birthday in '09 I walked into the courtroom to see my dad in handcuffs, unfortunately it wasn't the first time. After then I told both my parents and their significant others to shut their fucking mouths about the other parent that I wasn't dealing with it anymore, that I had already gone through enough as it is. All was calm and okay until last Tuesday when my father, his cunt wife, and I came up to Detroit for his sentencing. Oh yea, I moved down there cause my mother took my little brother to move to Alaska and pretty much said "Fuck you, you're not coming with me." Which I was pissed at the time, but now I realized why she said that. Apparently while we were waiting for court, my father's lawyer showed him a letter my mom sent the court which I honestly had no idea about. She wanted my father in jail for 3 months, 192 hours of community service, and for him to stay in Michigan. The judge needless to say pretty much said "yea whatever, she ain't getting what she wants." Well my mother went on to say in said letter that I was going to therapy basically because of my father. NOT TRUE, but that's a different blog. So needless to say my father had a few choice words to say about my mother in front of me. Not only did my father did, my christian very forgiving grandmother did as well went on to say very rude and disrespectful things about my mother. Well that's not very christian like!!! So I'm at the point with both of my parents where after I finish boot camp, and get sent somewhere over seas I'm telling them both "Fuck you both!" and that I will write letters to let them know how I am doing, but until they can learn to tolerate each other, I'm not going to be able to get along with either one of them. I honestly think that's far, I originally wanted to tell them to stay out of my life for good, but they are my parents, and I am their only daughter, and no matter what you have to love your family right?